Filling empty bottles with air
My fingers trace the pages of my lecture notes. Highlighting those points which I presume important.

"Orange for topics. Yellow is for important points."

This I tell myself. My eyes scan through the pages, yet my mind registers nothing. I try again and again, and all I get is this blankness.

Music serves as a powerful distraction as I try to empty all the thoughts running through my head. To numb all the emotions running wild. I try to keep my head straight, to not think so much.

But its hard not to.

It started from that unbelievable call before 12 pm yesterday. I was worried sick and hearing you trying to be brave eventhough you were crying over the phone.It really had me stoned. I dont think I'd be able to pick up the receiver and dail someone if I were in your shoes. Gal, you were brave. And I learnt I sucked at comforting people.

Thus the whole day proceeded with me walking around with a myriad of jumbled up thoughts and emotions which I just cant seem to express nicely to anyone.Words for once, failed me. I was... in a certain sense. I thought of you. I thought of myself. And I though of all poor people. I thought about the future.

And it got me feeling so
paranoid
scared
worried

Mom told me I looked disturbed. and I told her what happened. She then understood why I spoke with such urgency. Every decible dripping with concern, she tried to coax me out of my mood. I kept to myself. I seeked solace from Sam instead. This morning she named me several alternatives. Anything can happen in two years.I dont want anything to happen to you, you said.

I only had one reponse: I dont know.
I really dont.
Dont wanna be a burden.
I dont even know where you got all that faith in me.

Its sickening to hear so much news about so many happenings and to be powerless to speak out. Are our voices so meek and feeble, they are meer whispers falling on deaf ears? do we need to stuff your pockets with wads of cash to break the silence? Or wait til the tabloids scream it all out? I am so sick of the whole issue. My ears are so tired of all the news I get, I think they are ready to spew blood.

Frustration leads to anger. Which leads to rebellion and screams of injustice. When you finally realise that all is in vain and that the whole problem is just as important as the speck of dust that resides on the top of a shelf, you learn to resign. Numb the feeling, shut up and give up trying altogether.

I feel so tired. So dissapointed. To hope for a better future for all of us.

I care. I really do. But do the people on top care? No, go on sipping your teh tariks while discussing over datuk chua's 55 minutes of glory. Trying to understand his vigour in bed is probably more important than us anyway.

Time and time again, I have been proven as an insolent fool of 19 going on 20 years, trying to be optimistic over nothing. Putting my faith on things which others have already abandoned all hope altogether.

Its just as pointless as filling empty bottles with air.

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