Monday, April 13, 2009

(ps: this is a very old picture, but its so pretty that i had to use it twice. Bon Odori 2008)

These fine lines...

.. they are invisible,yet everywhere. We feel its presence. They separate all of us, yet they are known to intertwine at times. There are lines we put up for others: to ensure that everyone gets enough breathing space and privacy. Then there are lines we draw for ourselves: personal barriers, to keep ourselves in check and out of trouble.

Some lines are drawn thick, some are drawn thin. These lines, we draw them around us. Sometimes they protect us, sometimes they are hindrances: preventing us from better-nicer-happier things.

Some people need to learn to be more flexible, and let others in.
While some people need to learn to step out of the lines they drew.

What kinds of lines do you draw?

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posted by hiddenmcky at 12:12 AM 1 comments

Friday, December 26, 2008

Tired.

After years of tiptoeing around your goddamn fragile ego, countless hours patiently helping you out on your ridiculous dreams, of trying to develop the patience of the dalai lama + the pope + mother theresa all rolled into one, of trying to be supportive and optimistic about your ridiculous far fetched ideas by holding my tongue tight and keeping my cynicism in check, of trying to be filial by listening to you and failing at that-tried to be filial by listening to her about believing in you.

A moment of self realization- I totally fail at that now also.

Im tired. Sometimes I wonder if Im more of a son than a daughter. For once I want to be the daughter, the one to be protected. So? And Im tired of trying to make sense. And having to justify myself as to how I am actually making sense. It really irks me to have my level of maturity tested, questioned and compared against others.

I really dont wanna listen anymore.
I really dont wanna talk anymore.

I just wanna shut up and let you talk til you realize how long I have decided to shut up.

I am really tired.

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posted by hiddenmcky at 12:50 AM 2 comments

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Hair's long. Thoughts short.
Short sentences to sum up my current thoughts and happenings.

Certainly, there is alot of uncertainty.

Reunions and gatherings-awkward when everyone's just staring at their watch half the time.

No matter how you deny it, peer pressure does dictate some of the choices we make. And the actions we take.

I wanna kidnap the guitarist from this cafe in wangsa.

When I got lost the other day, I found something precious.

Talking when everyone is not listening requires thick skin and a huge ego.

I might be moving to Subang in Febuary.

Still wants to grab a backpack with a week's supply of clothes. And disappear to thailand for a few days. With no itinerary.


Always get told I look different. Yet I feel the same.

If the person's important enough, their one mistake can affect many.


I didnt know today is tong zhi. Totally forgotten. But I know christmas is in 4 days. Im chinese. And not christian.

And no, the picture above is not a clubbing picture. And I wasnt drunk. I am not that cool.


Told someone I was, and still am, rather nerdy. Person didnt believe.


I just realized this is a rather narcisstic post. Just count the number of "I"s.

=___________________=

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posted by hiddenmcky at 3:48 PM 2 comments

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Blast from the past.

Today i berbual-ed kosong with an old friend over msn. being a rather lousy friend (in my own personal opinion) and perpetually non-existent to her for the past year, i'd say im surprised having her layan me like the old times.

then it dawned to me.
like the old times is an understatement.
this person was talking as if yesterday was today.


as if past tense is present tense. it was like suddenly, i am transported to the time when i ran around with my too thick spectacles and short hair. when people used to believe in bersih cekap amanah. a time when people used to believe that anwar was gay and incapable (as in leading. dont get wrong ideas k)

sure i remember the things she mentioned. lets just say i have a memory as ridiculously clear as this person in question so it wouldnt be an issue if i wanted to continue talking about the past.

but i dont. cause i know what happened in the past already. i feel like i am forced to watch reruns of a drama i had followed before. damnit.

i want to talk about now. sekarang. xian zai. yi ka. how have things been. how have they changed. how are you coping. i miss you. shut up and please stop associating everything back to the past.

dont get wrong ideas, its not like i dont like the past. but reminiscing about it too often takes you away from present. no good!

you know, and i know. things have changed- they have to. its natural. we grow up a little. our skin gets a little thicker. we get thrown with responsibilities we dont really like. we speak and think a little more dirtier thus causing everything we hear to sound wrong. we hurt, get hurt and try to get over it. we develop weird sleeping habits and grow fat even if we eat half the amount of food we used to consume :(

just because i wear sissy color once in awhile, run around in heels and on certain occasions look like i fell face flat into makeup doesnt mean i'm incapable of being myself. i still feel very me.

opps. smudged liner wtf.

dont make me question my identity. i get that enough already from strangers. you cina, melayu atau cina melayu? pernahkan kamu ditangkap makan dikalayak ramai semasa bulan puasa nih? Takde makcik tapi pernah ada orang pandang aku pelik. aku malu. I am still me. and you are always going to be good enough of a friend for me. i hope its the same way on your end of the line. now dont make me feel awkward. shut up already.

......
....
...

if it any consolation, almost half my wardrobe is still black-ish. i still occasionally wear surfer dude pants at home. some habits are hard to kill k.

ps: angelin, since you asked, my inner ah lian name is mei gui. damn lame sorry its the first name i thought of beside mei lian. anyway check out the little girl in pink beremo in the corner throughout the whole video. adorable! oh yeah there's an english version of this classic song pls youtube it, its so weird in so many ways.

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posted by hiddenmcky at 6:00 AM 2 comments

Sunday, September 14, 2008

11.11

recently when i look at the clock i keep seeing this time this number i swear its not deliberate i just keep seeing this number randomly at random places such as in front of my pc when i am stuck in the ktm or eating my breakfast while watching tv

day or night night or day

cant help but to think of how this particular time is interpreted in movies music and film which leads me to wonder if there is some truth behind all this

basically seeing this time makes me feel loserish reminds me of promises unfulfilled until today and eventualities that never became true because for some reason or another of which i do not care to elaborate here but i believe i will miss those midnight conversations and wishing good people good morning when i run off to beach paradise

thats it im changing all the clocks in my house to digital timing so it'll show 23:11 in the future

i am not being emo just reflective people should learn to differentiate this two emo is a fad for people who are perpetually sorry for themselves its hard to squeeze some form of happiness from them cause they just refuse to be happy

reflectiveness is something we should all have to make sure that our heads are screwed on in the right direction and despite some recent shit that happened on top of the usual amount of shit i still get my kicks out of living life by looking for the little things that make everyday special

today for example

i went beach dress shopping and managed to get 2 bohemian dresses which can also be converted as skirts 2 tube tops 1 skirt 1 scaft and a cardigan for below 150 bucks the quality of the stuff was terrific too and no i didnt get all these from a pasar malam from shopping complex k

the ah lian in me says i is a jenius arh i swears i had saving many moneyss~~~** ^^

hehe i hardly shop but when i do i must say i love myself

and then this little girl smiled and waved at me for no apparent reason its true i am not being perasan here but it was quite funny she was saying bye bye kakak i found that extremely cute really amidst all the coldness and fakeness the world can conjour up these little precious moments are really to be treasured

and oh yeah that conversation in my chatbox greatly amuses me as well shows me that we really do live in a small world

ps typing without capital letterings and punctuation is really really liberating i wonder why were they invented we have paragraphs anyway

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posted by hiddenmcky at 2:32 AM 3 comments

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Attachment. And detachment.

These waves of nostalgia seem to hit me each time I step into that place.

Nostalgia. Pacing those familiar corridors which I had paced so often. Places where I have left my footprints. Navigation was simple. Almost second nature. I got to where I wanted to with utmost ease. There was hardly a reason to think, I just let my feet bring me to where I was expected to be.

Its such an unusual concoction- everything was so familiar yet so strange at the same time.

I see people walk by. And I see them pass. Full of purpose, hands full of books, rushing off to wherever their destination is. With little creases upon the brow and hurried footsteps. I took all this in, finding it almost endearing.

I used to be one of them. A few months back, I used to feel attached to the things happening there. Now I am looking at everything from the outside that bubble. For awhile, I had wanted to be back inside that bubble. But standing outside of it brings a certain kind of clarity which was unattainable in the past.

Many times, I have realized that with detachment, there comes clarity.

Suddenly I started noticing those little things that I havent noticed before. Like how much this girl makeups. Like how insecure someone I know actually is. Like how the hawker for my favourite chicken rice shop never wipes his hand after collecting the money before preparing the next plate. eww.

Acceptance. I think I've reached it.
I am cool with everything now.

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posted by hiddenmcky at 1:26 AM 1 comments

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Some things the ice cream girl asked me.

We were bored at work and were sitting on a chair stoning and staring at random things like creepy-big-eyed mannequins when she asked me.

"Brains or Beauty"

"As in me or someone else?"

"Someone else"

"brains."

"why?"

"um simple- cause brains last and beauty dont."

"..."

"although a bit of both is the best... where got such thing as both one kan. haha "

"you wish!"

"you?"

"brains too. cause i'd die of boredom if i kept talking to a stupid person"

"....."

"....."

"does that mean I am not stupid?"

"you are not a guy lah"

"...."

(later)

"so what do you think guys treasure more- brains or beauty?"

"beauty"

"I agree. and the statement that they say they dont like girls who make up is bull"

"yupss. but too much really looks ridiculous lah."

**The next day during lunch**

"Brains or beauty?"

"again??!"

"nolah. for yourself"

"brains also loh"

"i'd go for beauty"

"whyy beauty dont last lah. Only useful until you are in your thirties"

"but beauty is natural, brains can be moulded"

"you do have a point.. but no, i believe some people are born more smarter than others. argh this sounds so bad but its true you know"

"so your saying with brains you can make yourself prettier?"

"well.. if you become a plastic surgeon and have plastic surgeon friends...but wait, thats another thing. wealth! So brains beauty or wealth?"

"ooh cause with wealth you can make yourself prettier-with plastic surgery!"

"yes! but we all know being rich cant buy you brains"

"but being rich can buy you beauty"

"and with brains you can have wealth. and for guys, can get pretty wife. and means pretty kids"

"exactly!!"

(a minute of silence)

"why are we torturing ourselves with questions like this?"

Why really? But isnt this a good question. Here's something very ironic. I had this conversation with a very eloquent 18 year old- a fresh survivor of SPM. And this is the same week I had this conversation with a pharmacist with a so-called high class qualification who had asked me "why did you study business admin? you plan to go into business arh? next time i go into business i find you. hehehehee"

WTF. If only going into business is as simple as they teach in the books kawanku, we'd all be rich. And due to that, pretty girls wouldnt find a need to marry wrinkly old men because of their money. And me and the ice cream girl wouldnt be sitting around having that conversation about beauty and brains and wealth.

See, I am twisting everything around. Maybe I really do have cauliflower for brains.

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posted by hiddenmcky at 12:36 AM 2 comments

Tuesday, August 26, 2008


Ice cream girls and badminton players

And she spewed her innards on the world wide web, left it there for a few days to be certain that it will be read by those who actually mattered and then proceeded to dump everything back into her drafts. Just because.

Hate is a strong word. But I really really dont like transition periods. It is this almost endless limbo filled with the constant lingering feeling of doubts. The constant need to crawl back into our own comfort zones. The intense guilt of throwing away precious time by doing nonsense.. or even worst- nothing. The cautious choices we make while subconsciously wondering where have our balls rolled off to? The uncertainty- wondering if you dont do this or that, then you. are. doomed.for. eternity.

And of course the raw almost hopeful way of looking at matters. trepidation- the urge to get out and do this and that. now. this instant. Always impatient for the next thing to happen. The next person you'll meet. The places you will go. We are too young to be callous yet too old to believe in fairy tales. Too eager to grow up. Too determined to prove something. be someone. In a rush to go somewhere but not exactly sure where. Instant gratification, like 3 minute youtube videos, becomes strangely enticing.

Just because.

But its okay right? Cause you'll never be able to predict what will happen next anyway. Yesterday was a fine example: I woke up in the morning and never did know I did expect that I'd be told by the ice cream girl that this recently famous badminton player was standing not more than several meters behind me. Buying deodorant. Of all the things in the world =.='''

We took pictures btw. This is the ice cream girl and the badminton player anyway. I dont wanna post my picture up cause it'd what a crazy fangirl would do. haha. Anyway, he seems nice except still unused to his new found status.

Me and the ice cream girl never got to ask him a very important question: Why was he in klang?

Maybe KL ran out of deodorant.

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posted by hiddenmcky at 1:30 AM 1 comments

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Disney Vs Reality.

Just the other day I had an old classmate who typed: BF wanted!! on her msn message. It really was brave. and hilarious. And really out of ordinary. Though really I dont think she had gotten the response she wanted. I mean, what do you expect people to do? Nudge you and say "pick me pick me pleeease pick me"

highly unlikely. Unless you are ambergoddamngorgeouschia. or jenifferohlookatmyasslopez.

It got me thinking, really. Its like suddenly everyone around me is getting attached or talking about getting attached or just killing themselves from the effort of trying to get attached.

Not to say anything, but I am really happy for those people who are really sincerely kepala over kaki over each other it seems almost fairy tale-like minus the corniness and random breaking into songs-ness. But there are some people who I shall not mention who I seriously question as to what their actual motives are.

Take for example: Here are some of the things I have heard before
"fat girls are easier cause they lack confidence"
"get a stupid gf, easier to manipulate"
"get a rich bf, preferably one who is already working, so he can pay for everything.'

Now if these statements are said in a happy-sing-song way which gives me the impression that the person is joking, I wouldnt have been so shocked. But believe me when they are said seriously, in a worldly tone as if they were divulging some sort of ancient wisdom ala kama sutra.

Like. What. The. Hell.

But then again, maybe I have been OD-ing too much on disney cartoons in my childhood that I am kinda oblivious to certain ugly realities which walt disney old man wouldnt want little minds to understand.

Think of all the possibilities.

Can you imagine sleeping beauty sleeping with random wrinkly old kings because size matters? The size of their phallus palace.

Or snow white waking up with a hangover one day only to find herself among seven naked dwarves? Heigh Ho. Heigh Ho. (Its a song sung by the dwarves, really! go google it)

Or rapunzel getting sick of random weird men asking her if they could hump her hair she decided to shave it all off and be a nun.

Or perhaps ariel's people are actually the byproduct of horny people and dolphins.

But then again I wonder, if disney were to incorporate real world issues into their cartoons and expose them to young minds, would things have been different?

Hmm. Despite my rare efforts to hide my random dirty mindedness and my slightly unusual way of looking at matters, I actually do find myself more saner than alot of people out there.

Which goes to say, with all due respect dear sirs and madams, I am a good kid who dont smoke. I drink but I have always taken great care to never get drunk. I know gay people but I think I am okay. Heck I am so good I havent even stepped into a club before okay.

Not to say I am proud of it and think myself as a superior being. LOL. And then take on an almost martyr-like disdain to other people's habits. Everyone's entitled to their opinions and beliefs after all. Who am I to preach?

But neither I am ashamed. But sometimes I wonder, if the level of ones maturity is measured based on how many times they get drunk, or get shagged, or by having such a great number of flings that they run out of toes and fingers to keep track of them, then I'd say that alot of people need serious therapy.

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posted by hiddenmcky at 5:17 PM 1 comments

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Peer Pressurized.

What people think about you. What people think about what you do. What you like. Why you like doing the things you like. What they think about the things you say. how you said the things you said. to whom was the message conveyed to and the way you said it. The things you have. The things you think you want to have cause everyone has it. The places you need to go. The things you need to do and the things you need to say cause thats what everyone's been saying and doing.

Sometimes I think peer pressure dictates our actions and choices more than we can ever fathom.

Dont get me wrong, I am not on a crusade to enlighten people about how different we are. Not so noble lol. Besides I think people are actually more alike than we like to think we are. Sure, we have our subcultures even in Malaysia. We have our fair share of ah lians, ah bengs, mat rempits, minah rempits. Then of course we have the bananas and coconuts. But really, its true!

I mean, people are generally narcissistic creatures. They worry about themselves alot. They worry about whether they are fat. Whether they are rich. Or handsome. Or pretty. Or smart. Or cool. Or why is everyone around them thinner richer handsomer prettier smarter and cooler then them. Aiks.

And of course, if they are really free, they worry about that stubborn pimple that wont seem to fade away despite applying liberal amounts of cream. Or about the darn cellulite that refuse to be exfoliated. Oh yeah, and they worry what others think about them too.

And the others? They are probably worrying about themselves and what you are thinking about them.

Which brings us to conclude that- Everyone is probably worrying too much about themselves and what you think of them to think about you obsessively. Unless of course they are secretly in love with you. But that is another story lah. So this is why we shouldnt be so obsessed about what people think and focus on what we think more. Unless of course the other person really make a whole lot of sense.
Hm deep stuff I know. But I have recently subjected myself to asking and listening to alot of different opinions and thoughts on a certain matter that I sometimes get slightly nauseous from digesting all the input.

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posted by hiddenmcky at 1:58 AM 4 comments

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

165cm. Size 5.

My feet never did grow after I turned 11.

Sometimes I think all of us feel just as scared and insecure as we were back then.
We just learned how to cover it up with sarcasm and witty criticisms.

We learn to pretend better.

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posted by hiddenmcky at 12:30 PM 1 comments

Sunday, July 20, 2008


Map reading skills.

Now I feel like I am standing in front one of those extremely elaborate and intricate maps of the japanese railway system. Confused. befuddled. flabbergasted but yet in awe that such complexity exists on humble planet earth.

And as my teeny mind tries to take in all colors, all the lines and the little symbols that make up the whole picture.. I find myself unable to digest it all. Let alone comprehend the accursed thing. So I try to ask around yet the people around me just dont seem to speak the languages I speak. They smile apologetically and perhaps, a little sadly at me. I smile back. At least they tried.

Funnily enough, amidst the temporary frustration and disappointment, I find myself consoled by the knowledge that-yes, one of these pretty colored lines will take me to my eventual destination. So I keep telling myself its okay, everything happens for a reason. Eventhough it is for a crap reason. Its simple really, I just need to get on the correct train.

But to do that, as usual as it is with myself when it comes to taking public transports to unfamiliar places- I usually have to lose my way for awhile before actually reaching my destination.

Late. As usual.
wtf

So much for map reading skills.

Ps: With the exception of a disappointing lead female actress (i dont get it why bruce and harvey are fighting over herrr)... The dark knight. is. THE. epitome. of. awesome. 'Nuff said. Go watch.

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posted by hiddenmcky at 2:45 AM 1 comments

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

BIG thinks.

Lately, I have been having big thinks.

You know, the kinda thoughts which leads to slightly more major decisions in your life. Long term ones. Not like those random thoughts which goes though your head when you're sitting on the toilet bowl in the morning.

---"What shall I wear later?"
"Whats for breakfast? hmm."
"--I should really stop painting my toenails black. I havent seen them in their natural state since.. crap. I. Dont. Know."
"....Uh. I wanna go back to sleep"

No. Not planning to elope with a random guy. Too stupid.
Not planning to dye my hair purple. or pink. Or green. Too weird.
Not planning to get a tattoo.. Too.

Big thinks are really tiring. Energy consuming even. Drags us away from our natural sense of security. Its scary. Daunting. Exciting. Excruciating. But at the same time, liberating.

I am 20. With a big fat 2 i front. And the 2 isnt standing alone.
I think I am old. I think I am wise. I might even think I am invinsible?
-Neh.

But most importantly, I think I am capable of doing SOME big thinks of my own.

I wish she would think so too.
And
give me time to decide.
Big thinks need time.

Yes, mom.
Give me time.

I am after all, 20.
Not 200.

Ps: This is not an emo post. But musings of a 20 year old who is slightly directionally challenged currently. No thanks to the weird paths people keep pointing out to her.

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posted by hiddenmcky at 6:25 PM 2 comments

Wednesday, November 14, 2007


Crossing paths

Sometimes, do you wonder about the people you crossed paths with?

Some just pass you by.
A fleeting presence.
Stopping by to say "hi and bye" for a short while before fleeing.
Soon, you'll forget their names and perhaps even longer.. their faces.

Some are even worse
they crossed paths with you
and no one really realised it.
for they are just faces in the sea of people.
never to be recognized or distinguished.

Some stay long enough to watch the show.
perhaps even sharing some popcorn and coke with you.
Laugh at a few stupid jokes and crap around.
but never really getting anywhere below the surface.

spot me!

Some are just forced into your presence
awkward. staying too long for anyone's liking
sometimes even invading your jar of skittles
yet they stay like chewing gum stuck to the bottom of your sneakers.


Be my ray of sunshine =)

Some are like superstars
they are like chipmores "now you see them now you dont"
yet they impact you the most.
for they shine so bright. so brillant.
know them well you do not.
Yet you'll always remember them.

Some,
you know will always be checking on you
the path you are on
and you on them

even if you decide
-to go for a sex change
-divorce, trice cause ironically your spouses

a.decided to go gay
b.went go for sex change
c.AND sue you for rape

-elope to Santa Claus's kampung
-become a stripper in Las Vegas
-get knocked up by micheal jackson, twice!
-or whatever shit


RM150. Gracious.

you can always count on them to be there for you.
Sometimes you imagine yourselves sitting with them on the same table 30 years in the future
-talking about plastic surgery
-and botox
-your husband's affair with his secretary
-and your affair with YOUR secretary
-and your kid's education

Such bliss!
Will you be able to discuss botox,plastic surgery and affairs with me some 30 years from now?
Will you be able to share dirty little secrets with me?
Yes, even the micheal jackson one.

And......I'll try not to laugh.

=p

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posted by hiddenmcky at 12:03 PM 1 comments